Why do terrible things happen to good people?

And what to do about it

A soaking darkness. No light, no hope, no nothing. This is how I felt after I got into a car accident where I hurt my back so badly I couldn't walk normally for years. For the first weeks, each step felt like a thousand needles piercing my spine. The healing took a lot of time, and it wasn't linear – I had 'good days' when I moved around like a butterfly, and ‘bad days’ when I was cuffed to my bed for most of the day.

I faced the loss of what made me… myself. My health, previously great and almost flawless, was suddenly taken away from me, and I couldn’t help wondering – why the hell did it happen to me? I mean, I always was nice to people, and I was sincere and kind. Why did I get such a torture?

I asked this question multiple times in life – when I had serious problems in school, when I lost my dad due to a fatal disease, and when I got into that accident that had changed the whole course of my life. It took me years of therapy (both physio and psychology) to get to understand one simple thing – the link between the cause and effect doesn’t work in real life.

Before you ask, yes, I believe in karma, and I know that all the bad things eventually return to us. When we hurt someone, people often reply with the same in return or leave you behind. Long story short, doing terrible, destructing things to others almost always means that you eventually will ruin your own life. In other words, being 'bad' almost always guarantees you a sad outcome. However, being a good person doesn't guarantee that everything in your life will be alright.

How fair is that?

Before answering this question, let’s find out why we all expect some sort of 'reward' in return.

You see, from early childhood, we become the objects of basic behavioral psychology (of course, as kids we might have no idea what it is, really.) Anyhow, our parents often use the method of 'stick and carrot,' rewarding us for good behavior and punishing us for 'being bad.'

Then we get familiar with mysterious men called Santa Clause, who surely watches us all year and brings us charcoal or quite decent presents depending on how we did. Not surprisingly, by the age of seven, when our brain connections are fully developed, we start thinking for real that being good is a guarantee of getting some sort of a 'Divine justice.'

Sadly, most of us face the moment when this mindset has to be crushed, just like a sand castle under the feet of an impatient wicked reality. So, what the actual heck? And how to deal with this?

Firstly, please try to understand one thing – being good to others can actually guarantee you one certain thing. By treating others with kindness and respect, you create a strong bond, which means those people will be by your side in case something terrible happens to you (which you can't always predict or prevent.)

My father was a great, kind man, and in times of his disease, all his family and multiple friends were near, helping him with their support and finding the best cancer-treatment clinic that let him live longer than if he had no therapy. And as for me, I might be too blinded by my pain to acknowledge it back then, however, one of the most important things in my way to healing was my husband who was by my side all this time. Also, I had really supportive friends who helped me feel included even on the days I couldn’t leave my apartment.

If you experience loss in your life, please remember – whatever happened to you, it wasn't your fault. However, it is your responsibility now to bring yourself to healing, and the first step will be to let go of self-blame. Instead of endless attempts to find the reasons 'why it happened,' think of people who love you and who help you right now. Being grateful for them is what you need to focus on.

What helped me start my recovery was starting my day from being grateful for the ones who did any small thing to support me. So, if I could do it, you can do it, too!

Sincerely yours,

          Lubov Leonova

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P.S. If you liked this post, check out the other related stories on my blog!